Most of us are aware that having unrealistically high expectations of others has a negative impact on our mental health.
It’s taxing, emotionally demanding, and establishing an excessively high goal only sets us up for disappointment.
My high expectations of others have left me feeling irritated, hopeless, and anxious far too often. When I was betrayed by someone, all I was left with was a puddle of emotions I didn’t know what to do with.
My spouse, friends, and family all know how good I am at overthinking, overanalyzing, and mental gymnastics. Because no one commented to that lovely duck TikTok I posted on our WhatsApp group 24 hours ago, I’ve convinced myself that everyone is bad and that I’m the lowest of the low on their priority list.
Making a Sylvia Plath quotation my motto was a game changer for me: “If you anticipate nothing from someone, you will never be disappointed.” On the surface, it may appear to be a cynical way of life, but she had a point – maybe banking on nothing is going too far, but I, like so many others, may need to lower my expectations in order to escape the emotional rollercoaster of high hopes and crushing disappointments.
I can’t expect them to live up to my expectations. I demand perfection from myself, which we all know is unhealthy, but my unreasonably high standards meant that, in addition to being my own toughest critic, I was also putting pressure on others.
Something had to change, I decided. There are a couple of lessons that anyone with a comparable high expectations problem could benefit from learning after a lot of self-reflection and addressing some hard truths about myself…
We all have life drama
Every single individual in your life is struggling with a ‘Big Thing,’ and in some cases, ‘Big Stuff.’ The list is limitless, whether it’s marital concerns, having a baby, a breakup, physical disease, mental health issues, housing issues, or financial stress.
Instead of reacting badly, I thought about what I knew that individual was going through in their own life when I had a moment to ponder.
Then I remembered all the times I’d been dealing with ‘Big Stuff’ but wasn’t ready or didn’t want to tell the people in my life about it. That friend with whom I’m furious could be going through major life changes that I’m not even aware of. By forcing my high expectations on them, I may be adding to their stress.
It suddenly doesn’t seem like a huge issue that they’ve had my message on read for almost a week.
Control isn’t everything
I have no control over how other people act or react, but I do have power over how I react to irritation and disappointment.
Because we all have unique life experiences, our reactions and expectations for a given circumstance will never be the same. It doesn’t make sense for me to be angry and unhappy when someone fails to satisfy my expectations.
For example, suppose you make plans to see a friend at 8 p.m. You arrive early because you believe it is impolite to arrive after the agreed-upon time. Your anticipation is that your pal would follow suit. They arrive 20 minutes late, but they don’t seem to mind.
In this situation, neither party is right or wrong since they have quite different beliefs about what is required of them and the other. It’s easy to become caught up in a cycle of rage, tension, and anxiety, believing your friend has been nasty and disrespectful.
Reframing our negative thoughts allows us to go forward. Your friend does not anticipate you arriving 20 minutes early because that is not what they would do, thus your aims are incompatible.
Having high expectations just breeds resentment. You can’t make someone think or have the same standards as you. You may, however, examine yourself and gain control over your negative feelings by asking yourself, “Why does this affect me so much?” “Is it really worth risking a friendship or relationship over?” and “Is it really worth risking a friendship or relationship over?”
What *should* we expect from others?
Everyone should have reasonable expectations of the people in their lives. People would walk all over us if we followed Sylvia Plath’s advice to the letter. We’d never stand up for ourselves or be truthful with someone who had profoundly damaged us. We should make certain that our expectations are acceptable and practical, such as…
Respect
In each friendship or relationship, respect is expected. Respect is something we should all strive for. It all boils down to whether or not the other person considers you valuable. If they allow you to talk, listen, and value your feelings and opinions. It’s a huge red flag if someone refuses to treat you with decency and respect.
Boundaries
Boundaries are not the same as having high expectations of others. Boundaries define what you are comfortable with, as well as what behavior you find undesirable and hurtful.
Setting boundaries in all of your relationships is beneficial, and it’s a two-way street – both parties are aware of their respective roles in the relationship.
We must recall why we care for the individuals in our lives.
The toughest truth I discovered was that my high expectations of those around me were a ready-made reason to drive them away. I’d grown so fixated on what I thought people were doing wrong that I’d forgotten why I’d created room in my life for them and why they were so essential to me.
When I sensed myself reverting to bad behaviors, I had to relearn what made them valuable to me and focus on that.
When our expectations are so high that no one can meet them, everyone loses.
When we let go of our high expectations and simply meet others where they are, we receive a lot more from our friendships and connections.