DEAR ABBY: Five months ago, I became engaged to an amazing man. We have scheduled our wedding for next year. I am happy to be organizing such a significant milestone in my life. I am the eldest of five sisters. We are four incredibly close friends. Three of my sisters have offered to assist with wedding planning and preparations. I have included the maid of honor, two bridesmaids, and two of my adolescent nieces as junior bridesmaids in my bridal party.
My parents and two of my sisters urge that my mentally ill eldest sister “Iris” be included in my bridal party (schizophrenia). She is medicated yet continues to communicate with her “voices” I adore her, but I do not believe it would be acceptable to invite her to my wedding.
My maid of honor is supportive and concurs that it would be imprudent. However, my surviving family is making me feel guilty since Iris missed two of my sisters’ weddings because she was in a psychiatric hospital. She currently resides with my parents, who are retired, and requires care and monitoring. Am I incorrect to not want to risk inviting her to my big day? — BRIDE TO BE IN KENTUCKY
DEAR FUTURE BRIDE: Weddings are familial occasions that may strain relationships. In any disagreement, dialogue and compromise are essential. Consider the thoughts and counsel of your parents, sisters, and fiancé on your fears. Get guarantees of their assistance to alleviate your fears and increase your level of comfort.
More importantly, communicate your views and concerns with Iris in a polite manner. She could be satisfied with a less prominent position in the celebration, despite not being in the bridal party. You may be unaware of how heartbroken she would be if she were left out of this family celebration.
You are fortunate to be in good health and embarking on a prosperous future. It would be fantastic if Iris could attend this happy occasion. However, only include her if your parents and siblings are ready to guarantee that they will remove her swiftly and discreetly if she becomes distracting or disruptive.
DEAR ABBY: During a meal with a group of friends, the topic of providing Christmas presents to grandkids, nieces, nephews, and godchildren after a certain age was brought up. Some stated they stop gifting after the receiver reaches the age of 18, while others said they stop when the recipient starts a family. Some of us continue to donate to “children” well beyond their forties. Is there a minimum age to quit, or is it up to the person? — GENEROUS IN ILLINOIS
DEAR GENEROUS: There is no universal response to this question. It depends on the individual, the number of relatives, and whether the gift-giving causes a financial strain.
Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, writes Dear Abby, which was started by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or Los Angeles, California 90069, P.O. Box 69440.
»To: Abby, I do not want my mentally ill sister to attend my wedding«